Principles of Parenting Adolescents and Young Adults , cont.

Principle Three: Sometimes positive change cannot occur until parents allow their children to experience the consequences of bad decisions.

Lance,* a young adult living at home, was doing just about everything wrong. He lied, stole, cheated, and used drugs and alcohol. He was unchaste and seemed completely indifferent to how his actions affected his parents and other family members. His mother and father had tried everything they could think of to help him. For several years they had been patient and forgiving. They convinced him to see a professional counselor, but after a session or two he refused to go back. He never did agree to see his bishop. Finally, Lance was arrested.

The phone rang at Lance’s home, and his mother answered. “Hi, Mom, this is Lance. I’m in jail, and they won’t let me out until you come and get me. Please hurry!”

Lance’s mother was shocked, even panicked, but didn’t say anything. Lance pleaded again, “Mom, please hurry! This is not a nice place!”

She didn’t say anything for a long time, then quietly asked, “Lance, are you guilty of the charges?”

“Well, Mom, I really wasn’t as involved as the police say I was.”

“Lance, are you guilty?”

“Well, Mom, I guess I am.”

Then, with all the courage she could muster, she replied, “I’m sorry that you are. I guess you will have to work through this by yourself. Call me when you get it all worked out.” She hung up the phone and fell apart.

Two very long days passed. Finally, Lance called, and his parents went to the police station to pick him up. A few more days passed, and the phone rang again. Lance’s mother answered, and this time it was an attorney.

“Hello. I am Mark Johnson.* I helped Lance with his legal problems while he was in custody. I just wanted to speak with you to see how you wanted to work out my compensation for helping Lance get out of jail.”

At first Lance’s mother was troubled. Finances were tight, and she was surprised at the call. She paused a minute, then said, “Mr. Johnson, I appreciate what you did to help Lance, but you are talking to the wrong person. I did not hire you. You did not help me. You helped Lance. If you want compensation for your efforts, I think you ought to talk to Lance.”

Some time later, Lance came to his parents asking for a “donation” to pay his legal bill, but the donation did not come. Lance had to go back to the attorney and work out a pay-back plan. After many months of payments, Lance paid Mr. Johnson in full. Lance eventually returned to activity in the Church and is doing very well as a student at a major university. He is paying for much of his education himself, and his relationship with his parents couldn’t be better. He will tell you today that the actions of his very brave and very frightened mother helped him turn his life around.

Obviously, not all stories have such a happy ending. However, many stories do, if parents wait long enough and if they are trying to do the right thing.

Parents are accountable to teach their children to take responsibility for their actions. This is almost always a very hard thing to do and often may involve what seems to be a temporary abandonment. In a very real sense, parents can interfere with their children’s progress if they try to protect them from the consequences of their actions.

Our prototype here is Heavenly Father and His response to Adam and Eve after they had partaken of the forbidden fruit. He cast them out of the Garden of Eden, and to help them learn, He cursed the ground for their sake (see Gen. 3:17). While He promises that His grace will be sufficient for us, grace will not replace our experiencing consequences that are necessary to teach us something we need to know.

Principle Four: Choosing to be happy brings peace and increases parents’ ability to deal effectively with their adult children.

The Lord’s plan for us has been designated a “plan of happiness” (see Alma 42:8, 16). If we are not generally happy and are not suffering from a clinical illness, perhaps the solution is to let the Lord’s plan work more fully in our lives. Even those suffering from clinical depression can still be blessed by obedience to the plan. Happiness can come through drawing near to the Lord and needn’t be dependent on our external circumstances.

Tom and Dayna* had been fretting for many months over the behavior of their oldest daughter, Julie,* who was in her late teens. While they still allowed her to live in their home, she was nearly impossible to live with. She was verbally abusive to them and to her younger siblings. She obeyed house rules just enough to keep from being asked to leave, and Tom and Dayna suspected she was involved in immoral behavior and drug use.

Their worries about Julie consumed them. Usually they were depressed, and they seldom laughed. Their involvement with their other children became perfunctory at best. It was as though a dark cloud had settled upon their home.

Finally, they saw what was happening and talked about it. They could see that they were not allowing the light of the gospel to lift them or their children. They discussed how their personal examples should demonstrate the results of living gospel principles so their children could see firsthand that happiness comes from following Jesus Christ. They vowed they would change and pleaded in their personal prayers for the strength to be happy.

They did change. It did not happen overnight, and there were still periods of despondency, but by working to be happy, they began to see many things they should be happy about. Gradually the tension in the home subsided. While Julie did not noticeably change her behavior, the other children and Tom and Dayna became more comfortable around each other, and the joking and laughter that had been absent for so long began to return.

Julie ultimately moved out, got married, and lived a life quite different from the other family members’ lives. Her lifestyle was not gospel centered, but she loved to come home because of the love and happiness that existed there. After a number of years, she began to go to church again, and her husband asked to take the missionary lessons. He said he wanted to have in his home what he felt in Tom and Dayna’s home.

How are children to know that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings happiness if their parents are not happy as they try to live it? How can they know that peace comes from righteousness, regardless of one’s external circumstances, if parents are not at peace in the midst of their own stresses?

It is easy to say we should all be happy, but how do we do it? Can we just say, “From now on I am going to be happy”? Not quite—but almost. Happiness is a frame of mind, a perspective, a desire. To want to be happy is mandatory before one can ever be happy or at peace. Here are some ideas to help you increase your happiness:

• Dictate your own happiness. Don’t let a problem child dictate it for you. Try not to let circumstances overwhelm you emotionally, financially, spiritually, or physically. Pray for the influence of the Holy Ghost.

• Realize that time is on your side. Most challenges with adult children are not resolved quickly, but time often works in favor of ultimate resolution.

• Take a break from your challenges. Don’t cancel your weekly spouse dates. If you have put off a vacation until things get better, go now so things can get better.

• Lose yourself in service to others. Often, acts of service relieve the burdens of those who are serving.

• Take time to “be still.” It is usually in spiritual solitude that we are able to hear the quiet whisperings of the Holy Ghost (see Ps. 45:10).

Happiness is a decision. If we truly want it, we will do what is necessary to obtain it.
The Proper Focus

As Latter-day Saints, we should realize the importance of our lifelong responsibility and find appropriate ways to be involved in the lives of our adult children. When we focus our lives on Jesus Christ and seek to offer our “whole souls” to Him (see Omni 1:26), our ability to love our children with His pure love is enhanced. This, in turn, increases our sensitivity to the promptings of the Holy Ghost as we make decisions. If we are prayerful and try to do our best, the Lord will help us, and we can feel good about our efforts, regardless of the choices our children may make.

Gospel topics: family, love, parenthood
Note

1. “To the Fathers in Israel,” Ensign, Nov. 1987, 48.

Helps for Home Evening

Most Ensign articles can be used for family home evening discussions, personal reflection, or teaching the gospel in a variety of settings.

1. Ask parents and children to reverse roles. Role-play several instances in which the “parents” must counsel their “children” about family rules (such as curfews, Sabbath observance, dress standards). Discuss how it felt to switch roles and how roles will change throughout a person’s life.

2. Tell each of the children’s day-you-were-born stories. Discuss how you felt as their parent. Do they think they will ever stop being your child? Using the first section of the article and the first principle, testify that families are forever and that you will always be their parent.

Principles One and Two

Garth Hanson and Steve Hanson, “Families Are Forever—and So Is Parenthood,” Ensign, July 2006, 58